Post traumatic growth or as Hannah likes to call it “trauma turned superpower” is a new word in my vocabulary. The best way I can explain it is in the face of adversity (trauma), our brains have a fascinating ability to protect us from feeling such deep - soul breaking pain. This protection continues on with us as we continue to move forward post trauma. For some - this can keep us stuck in our trauma forever (PTSD). For others who find ways to heal from their trauma wounds and grow - they can take what they have learned and use it as a “superpower” to be more of an aware being.
This shows up differently for each individual due to the fact that we humans are all unique. As such - we will survive our traumas or hardships in ways that work for our individual selves. Ways that we subconsciously are even unaware of.
For example, I’ve learned in therapy that my brain is still protecting me from feeling the deep-soul breaking loss of Matt by not allowing me to actually feel the joy and love that I felt when we were together. This protection has served a purpose at one point. Giving me the capacity to do the hard fucking work I’ve been doing to discover who I am post trauma. Who I am without the person I truly believed I would grow old with. Finding true joy in my life again without only feeling guilt for doing so. Discovering I can face my fears and trust in love again - knowing it’s always a risk in losing someone I love again. I am beyond grateful for this AND I’m beyond tired of feeling like the life I used to have (pre-trauma) was just a dream or a movie I watched once but the details are fuzzy.
I recently started to feel that this protection no longer serves me. Thus - beginning the next chapter in my healing journey - no longer allowing myself to stay stuck in the past. No longer allowing my brain to protect me from feeling the joy and love I had with Matt. Allowing those emotions and memories to flow through me. I would love to feel lighter going into days like today - my wedding anniversary. It would have been 14 years married. All I can think about right now is that the amount of years I have survived a wedding anniversary without him equals the amount of years I had the honor of spending with him. I would much rather go into tomorrow feeling the AND - the heavy AND the memories of love and devotion shared for 7 years. Instead - I am only feeling the loss.
As I embrace the dark that comes with this day, I am going to remember my post-traumatic growth that shines in me every single day. It’s a gift to be able to sit in the pain - actually feel everything I need to feel and know that I will be okay. Be okay with not being okay. Honor these deep feelings and remember that i will not stay stuck in them like I used to. I have grown. My light will still shine through the dark even if I can’t feel it. I am not alone.
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