Anyone who had the honor of watching a University of Michigan game with Matt knows the energy that filled the room. If Michigan was playing, he was watching. There were times when I definitely felt envious of the amount of passion and love a group of men- whom he had never met - would receive. I miss being frustrated at Matt for making "watching a Michigan football game" more of a priority than pretty much anything else going on in our lives that day. As I write this, I am trying to forgive myself for getting upset at him when this used to happen during college football season.
I will never forget the day when he got to combine both of his #1 passions together for the first time - Benjamin and University of Michigan football. It was only 2 days after we brought our 14 day old little light home from the NICU. The emotions that filled my heart when I captured the two of them snuggled together is indescribable, One would have to feel it themselves to truly understand the feeling. This is a spot I envisioned them spending so many future hours just being together. I am grateful I held onto this moment so tight back then because unfortunately this would be the only moment they spent doing this together.
For the past 7 years since Matt died, I have yet to be able to sit down and watch any Michigan games - actually any sports at all really. It was far too emotional for me to even consider it. Thanks to my therapist and EMDR, I have been able to get unstuck from the trauma that has been weighing me down - keeping me from enjoying the passions he loved so much. When I heard that Michigan was going to be playing in the Rose Bowl yesterday, I didn't run away. I decided I was going to sit down and watch the game if Benjamin asked me to do so. Guess what? He did. Guess what? I did. I sat next to Benjamin as he exuded familiar love and passion for the game unfolding in front of us.
I sat in the spot where Matt was supposed to be sitting. Watching his son standing up with excitement for each play, holding his breath as they reach 3rd down and need a few more yards to get the 1st down. Hearing his son's worry when the play didn't go their way. Catching his son in the air as Michigan won the game in overtime. Matt used to always say that his favorite games were the nail biters. When both teams played their hearts out - the score so close you're on the edge of your seat - and his team victorious of course. Well Matt - you received your favorite game and your son fucking loved it.
Every big play Benjamin would stick his chest up into the sky - the Michigan "M" on his sweatshirt for you to see. It was absolutely intentional. I think he believes you saw and sent down some help to ensure your team won. If this was you - thank you. We love you and miss you every single day.
Go Blue!
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