Feeling Loved, Appreciated, and Light

The only Mother's Day I celebrated with Matt and B was the first one after I became a Mother. I awoke to Benjamin flying into the room with an adorable onesie representing the holiday, a card, and a gift bag. 7 month old Benjamin handed me the beautiful card along with a necklace with one big heart and a little heart inside of it. Matt said it is for me to wear representing how much love I give our little baby B and how much he loves me. Little did I know our fate for next Mother's Day and every one since - just me and B.

Every single Mothers Day since that one I would wake up remembering that beautiful morning. Remembering that moment I felt so very loved, appreciated, and complete - waking up in my home with my family. This memory would make it so fucking hard to get out of bed to face the morning - missing the person who had equal part in making me a Mother. Missing his smiling face potentially doing something to recognize the day. The only way I was able to touch my feet on the ground was because I would not think about me and my role on this day - rather - I would put all my energy on my Mom. This made the day somewhat doable. Thinking about my Mom and the ways I am thankful for her and her role in my life was easy. I was not in a state of mind to be able to hold both - the ways my Mom shows up as a Mom in my life AND how I show up in this world as Bs mom.

I awoke on Mothers Day 2023 feeling different. I was in the arms of my girlfriend Hannah - being the little spoon and energy flowing like a dance between the two of us. I didn’t remember it was Mothers Day - for a good while. We stayed in bed for quite some time before my brain caught up with the reality of the day. We talked a bit about the day and what it means to me and her. I felt the heaviness the day brings me and was able to let that go for a good while. Allowing me to feel the lightest I have felt on this day in 7 years - 7 fucking years!

I went to my parents house to celebrate the day with almost my entire family. I sat and listened to the stories of how my brothers showed up to make their spouses feel special and loved on this day. I was present and actually listened. I didn’t shut down like I used to have to do in years past for survival. Did it make me sad thinking about how I don’t have my kids Daddy to show up like this for me? Yes AND I also felt happy for my sister in laws being treated in a beautiful way - which they so deserve.

It is still true that Matt isn't here to help make me feel loved and appreciated and that fucking sucks. But you know who did show up in this way? B did. He showed up in a similar way his Daddy would've (well not the crafty part) - with a smile and genuine sentiment of love and awe for me. The energy that went into him seeing idea on YouTube, thinking about making it for me for Mothers Day, talking to Mimi and Pops about his idea, buying the items for it, making it, and how he wanted to present it to me (a treasure hunt) is so heart-warming and doesn’t go unnoticed. He is such a light in my life. I am so grateful to be his Mommy.

My parents showed up for me as they always do. They ensure that B gets the help he needs to shower me with love - B couldn’t have pulled this beautiful gift off without them. My mom and dad did what they always do best - which is trying everything they can to make sure their daughter is okay. I am actually okay. I can say that with confidence now. I hold onto this every single day - I am and will be okay. This is me...showing up for myself.

Hannah showed up for me too. In a way I wasn’t expecting to feel on what is usually such a heavy morning. She kept me grounded with snuggles, words of encouragement, sweet kisses and a gentle reminders. This Hallmark holiday is emotionally awful for many reasons people tend to not think about or don’t want to think about because it is too painful. I already explained my reasons this day is painful for me. How about the people who lost their Moms to death, neglect, unmet expectations, or many other complicated traumatic reasons. Or the people out there who wish to be a Mom so badly and their body fails them for one reason or another. This is just one of the many holidays I’m seeing more for how it impacts the emotions of people/loved ones in our lives - makes many feel like they are excluded - othered - different.

I ask that we try to remember this when these types of holidays come around. We can all try to be a bit more aware of the words we say and how hurtful they can be - albeit unintentionally. Let’s not assume everyone is having a “Happy Mothers Day”. Not everyone wants to be wished a ”Happy“ one. Not everyone celebrates it. I try to remember this when I’m out in the world. I don’t say Happy Mothers Day to anyone now unless I know for sure they are a Mother and would want to be wished such greetings.

I leave you with a question to ponder. Why do we feel the need to have 1 day assigned to recognizing mothers? Or Fathers? Having this day puts so much pressure on spouses and children to go out and buy some shit that will make this person in their life feel special. Why not put more energy all year round into your relationships? I can promise you that this would make your Mother feel way more loved and appreciated.

Just another day feeling all of the ANDs - reminding myself of how far I have come on this healing journey. Sharing my story with the hope it might help you feel less alone.